Erotica Harem

Hi DusktilDawn. I just enjoyed Crimson Cries Chapter 6. Here are some thoughts:

>> Sevlow used a finger to press the communicator deeper into his ear <<
Of course he used a finger. How about: Sevlow pressed..

>> segregating the right limb at the knee. <<
Separating?

>> the head lobbed cleanly off the body. <<
Is lobbed the right word? Doesn't that mean 'to throw? (something)' It needs a direct object. The head didn't throw anything.

>> His hands gripped an even larger rifle than the one Sev held. <<
Perhaps: gripped a rifle even larger than

>> Intermittent flashes of light illuminated from several <<
Illuminated? Perhaps shone? Flashed? Illuminate is transitive, I believe, needing a direct object. You illuminate something.

>> their claws dug deep into her Afro hair <<
digging? Isn't DUG a verb?

>> It resonated from a small speaker attached to a cell phone that he positioned on the center of the round table. <<
HAD positioned (sorry, but this glared at me)

>> He shook the vivacious thoughts from his mind, especially when Dom arced a brow at him. <<
arched?

>> He’d never smelled anything like it before thus, he drew back. <<
Funny punctuation

>> Chantal was as tough as Angelina was. <<
Omit the final WAS?

>> “Sure thing, Angelina,” she said just before the line went dead as well. <<
Omit AS WELL?

>> “Ensure the supplies are crated and loaded on the plane. I want both of you to personally ensure nothing is left behind.” <<
ENSURE twice

>> a little angry when we tuer her pets <<
Well, I realize that you are Canadian, so maybe I shouldn't comment on French. But would he use the infinitive (tuer) in mixed speech?

>> to run with the wolves, to hunt and glorify in the gift <<
Glorify is transitive. You glorify something. So perhaps GLORY?

>> A silver furred, beautiful canine <<
silver-furred

>> They worked slow, selecting the finest candidates <<
slowly

>> to rid the world of every blood sucking leech, <<
blood-sucking; also, lose the comma after leech


>> a darker, more ancient vamp that confused <<
vamp WHO?

SUMMARY: You sure have set up a potent enemy! And by positioning them against humans as well, you have given the reader a powerful incentive to want them gone. Great!
I have no specific criticisms of this chapter. It pushed the plot forward decisively, and everyone behaved consistently.

TimM