Erotica Harem

Hi, MathGuy:

Whoa, you are obviously a very talented writer! Big kudos to you, my friend. Wow! I usually do an editor's review (line-by-line) but this sucked me right into the story and I found myself immersed instead of reviewing. (Lucky you)!

First, there are some commas missing. Try and read your sentences aloud, and you'll hear the pause. Be careful of using semicolons. A lot of publishers find them unnecessary and a comma or period can do the same job. My personal peeve is the use of the word "then". This word is usually followed by an action and it creates a unnecessary pause in the flow of your sentence. All of this is important to create the right flow, especially when you have repeating words, which is uniquely part of your writing style. My usual method is to highlight them and suggest other words, so there is no monotonous tone to your voice, but it's "part and parcel" of your unique writing style. Don't change a thing. Your voice is what gives you distinction. As well, you have varying sentences lengths which creates a much stronger flow to your words. A fantastic job!

This was a very dark piece, and written extremely well, better than some published pieces I've read of late. My only comment to improve is to detail the sex scenes. We write erotica, and there is a big audience out there that want and enjoy reading M/M action. The transition to them coming home and waking the next morning jarred me. I was expecting (or hoping) for more details in order to see the budding relationship growing between them. Then again, when I got to the end, I realized why you didn't.

I definitely see some big things for you. Your writing skills are very good, and you have the basics of grammar down (which is a major battle). Don't get me started on those damn commas. They are the bane of my existence!

All in all, I'm very impressed and hope you stick this out.

Big hugs,
Dusk