Erotica Harem

Work: Unden, God of Desire, Chapter 1: Alga
Author: AnnaBoo
Reviewer: MathGuy

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. I'm back reading another installment of your novel.

General Impressions
Two more pivotal characters are introduced, along with a new locale. The story advances nicely, with a mix of internal reflection, newscast, dialog and message. The love scene also revealed much of the dynamic and deep affection between the two lovers. Enrue is again revealed for the manipulative SOB we saw in the prologue, but this time through his daughter's eyes. I wonder if he has any redeeming characteristics even in his own eyes?

Favorite Phrases
This really set the locale firmly in my mind

And this speaks volumes to the conflict, past, present and future.


Characters
This is mostly about Sima and Razi. Sima is revealed as a strong-willed woman, determined to live her own life. Razi seems more superficial, a rogue who enjoys play. But he clearly has a serious side too, in his connection with the rebels. With a few deft touches, the characters and relationship are drawn.

Plot
This does an excellent job of advancing the plot through the words and deeds of the characters. It is so easy in these SciFi works to fall into pages of telling, and so far you have revealed enough to engage the imagination without once stopping and lecturing. Very nice work!

Setting
This new locale is revealed in sight, sound, smell and even the touch of the grasses. Senses are fully engaged. The exotic plants are mentioned in a casual yet descriptive and informative manner.

Dialog
Another strong point, very believable, with all the characters speaking with distinctive voices.


My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

From a staging perspective, I wondered why the orchard was an acceptable location for a tryst when the barn was not, particularly as Sima seemed concerned about being seen?

The transition to the love scene was a bit abrupt too, or so it seemed to me. I would have thought the message would have been a distraction and that they would have discussed it rather more.

There's a few places in this chapter where I found the phrasing to be a little awkward. The very first sentence in particular didn't have that "grab-me-by-the-throat-you've-gotta-read-this" flair that I'd expect:

This seemed to be kind of slow and almost run-on. I know she is lazing in, just waking up and all, but this slows me down instead of propelling me forward.


Some line-by-line comments follow, some trivial and some with more substance.

Your text:
Easing off the bed so as not to disturb him, she pushed her chestnut hair out of her eyes and breathed deep.
My Comment:Shouldn't it be "deeply." And then there's that adverb thing. Maybe "heaved a heavy sigh" trite as that is..

Your text:
the small, but comfortable, cottage
My Comment: Mostly you did a great job of showing, not telling, but this seemed a missed opportunity...

Your text:
“It wouldn’t be out of any vengeance for my death.
My Comment: You forgot to close the quote.

Your text:
Slowing her breathing, she took in the perfume of the wilds, the scent of moist loam and grass, the musky flavor of her lover’s skin and a little farther away, the odor of the cattle.
My Comment: THis is magnificent imagery...except for that very first phrase. Maybe "he took her breath away?"

Your text:
He pressed his body against hers, weighting her down.
My Comment: Somehow I think "weighing" her down would read better.

Your text:
“And now that you’re awake you’d better get off to work after that. Don’t be late. You have a future wife to support.”

My Comment: The "after that" seemed incongruous.

Now I admit I don't usually read erotica, so I'm no expert on the correct parlance. But still, I would much rather that you had spelled it "come" rather than the way you did.

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

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