Erotica Harem

Work Reviewed: Urden, the God of Desire -- Prologue
Author: AnaBoo
Comments by: MathGuy

Hi, this is Bill, the MathGuy. This is my first review on the erotica group, so if I do it wrong, please let me know. Preferably with whips and chains, er, well, never mind.

Since this is my first time, let me take a very short moment to introduce myself. I am a research mathematician by profession. I have aspirations of writing successful commercial fiction someday, although I've only been attempting fiction for a few months. I'm also fairly new to WDC. Since this is an erotica group, the fact that I am gay is probably also relevant.

Enough of me.

General Impressions
This is a wonderfully written prologue. You reveal much of the background for the story in such an effortless fashion! This certainly makes me want to read more.

Favorite Phrases
This is just chock-full of wonderful, evocative phrases. They are so vivid yet unobtrusive and natural at the same time. Here's just one of many:

Here's another:


Characters
The only character we really meet in this prologue is Enrue. I have a good sense of his place in society and some essential aspects of his history. We also get an excellent sense of how he interacts with others by how they act around him. I am most impressed.

Plot
I've only read the prologue, but already I know that this will involve Enrue, a mysterious fertility statue, and doubtless some intimate play. Based on the cold and manipulative way Enrue is presented, my guess is that there will be some pretty dark scenes ahead. I can hardly wait!

Setting
Again, this was done in a masterful way. There was just enough to engage the reader's imagination and not too much to drown it.

Dialog
Not a lot of dialog, but what there was worked well. I particularly liked the non-verbals that were included -- "one brow rose" spoke volumes about Enrue and what he was thinking.


My reviews always have suggestions for improvement. Please know that they are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.

I'm used to reading stories on here with obvious things on which I can comment -- usually lots of obvious things. The writing in this piece is so close to flawless I'm having a hard time finding something to say that might actually be helpful.

I guess the one thing that left me wondering were the clothes. Reference is made twice to "haberes" pants but I have no idea what they are. A Google search was unproductive. So I'm left imagining puffy purple pantaloons to go with the silk belt and maybe pointy slippers on his feet. Yet Enrue is clearly a military leader, so I doubt that this is correct. Thus a clearer picture of his attire would seem appropriate.

Indeed, I'm reminded of Chekov's comments about putting a gun over the mantel in Act I -- if it is there in Act I, someone should shoot it by Act III. So I'm inferring that the clothes, being mentioned twice in the prologue, will have some modest significance in the future of the story. If I'm wrong, well then I guess I'll need to be punished...

I'm sorry I can't think of anything more useful for you. I've learned by reading this, so I think you for that.

Oh, and a question. I customarily post public reviews. Is that permissible here, in addition to the review on the board?

Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story! Whatever another person says -- especially me! -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion! You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story.


Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading -- so please keep on writing more just like this!!!

Bill, the MathGuy

I'm not evil, I just write that way...

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