Erotica Harem

Hi Esotaria. I just enjoyed The Meeting. Here are some thoughts:

>> Shawn continued to examine his feelings of his past. <<
This is TELLING the reader what's going on instead of letting the reader experience it.

>> He resolved to tell Jillian if there was any sexual attraction to this Marco. <<
Do you mean ASK instead of TELL?

>> If things were going to get complicated, at least everything will be out in the open. <<
WOULD be

>> She smiled at Jillian and Shawn, she put out her hand <<
Comma splice

>> "Hello Ann, yes, this is Shawn, Shawn, this is Ann." Shawn held out his hand and bowed slightly in greeting. "Hello Ann, pleased to meet you." <<
This is a perfect example of a tough call in writing. You want to be natural and detailed, but at the same time you must avoid banality. This conversation probably happened, but it is still boring to the reader because it does nothing to move the plot forward. I know it's tough to fix things like this, but it is important.

>> They just pointed to the door where to find Ray and his company. <<
Awkward

>> Ray had on a white gemmed body suit with a "V " opening to the chest, his eyes were closed. <<
Comma splice

>> He never told anyone what happened. That was twelve years ago. <<
Interesting twist!

>> He could still hear Ray moaning..."Marco"
"Hello Marco!" Jillian said with excitement. <<
Great way to present this!

>> That the sole object of his most hidden sexual fantasy was standing in front of him after twelve years. <<
Not a sentence. You've been using a lot of sentence fragments. This can be very effective, but I claim that you are doing it too often.

>> "You should have stayed. It would have been a good visit." <<
Oh my!

>> And He and Jillian followed Marco to his office to discuss him painting their portraits. <<
Don't capitalize He. Also, not a sentence.

>> together they walked toward unchartered territory. <<
uncharted

>> Smiling big Marco asked, <<
Smiling big?

SUMMARY: I love the way you rotate between POVs. It's fun to see inside everyone's head, to compare their feelings.
This is also an interesting concept, filled with possibilities for both pleasure and danger. I see that you can work all kinds of fascinating psychological issues into the novel.

I have three significant criticisms.

First, you have an enormous number of sentence fragments in this chapter. Short, choppy fragments, used like potent spice, can really jack up the tension in a scene. But you use them so often that they detract.


Second, many of your conversations need to be tightened. I gave an example with the introduction, but you have many conversations that include too many banal components. I admit, they are an accurate depiction of what would happen in real life. But in a novel, real life needs to be condensed into essential components. So I suggest that you go through every conversation and cut to the things that move the plot forward.

Finally, you have a strong tendency to TELL the reader things that the reader should see/hear for him/herself. I'll now go through your chapter and pick out a few of the ones that struck me most strongly:

Shawn continued to examine his feelings of his past.
Don't tell us he's doing this. Let us see it for ourselves.

Shawn could feel the charges in the portraits.
Let us feel the charges along with him. How does he feel them? What are his thoughts about them? Does he have a physical response?

Shawn was beyond stunned, beyond shocked, beyond relieved.
Let us realize this ourselves, through his inner thoughts and subsequent dialog.

Shawn was stunned at the forthright acknowledgment of the memory. Shawn did not know what to say or do.
Ditto

She was shocked that Shawn and Marco were acquainted and wondered what really happened between them. It was obvious to her they shared something together.
Consider: They were acquainted! The sudden realization made her heart pound. How? What had happened between them?
Do you see how we now realize that she was shocked? We don't need to be told.

Marco found himself feeling a whole range of emotions.
You have a real habit of telling us things that are unnecessary because we soon figure them out ourselves.

Marco realized the seriousness of Shawn's action.
Ditto


See what I mean? Let an alarm sound in your head whenever you say things like: He was stunned. He was concerned. He was shocked. Et cetera. Don't tell us these things. Just give us his thoughts and some dialog. We'll figure it out.

I see a lot of potential here. Great!

TimM