Erotica Harem

Hi Shadowed Heart. I just enjoyed The First Time. Here are some thoughts:

>> The sandcastle in front of them was growing immensely <<
Is IMMENSELY a word? Somehow it looks funny to me. Rapidly?

>> The sandcastle in front of them was growing immensely, its moat was now full of water <<
Comma splice

>> her six year old niece <<
six-year-old

>> She gazed up at the small cottage that sat at the edge of her property line. She wondered if he were home?
Jase looked up into darkened windows of the house at the edge of her property. She wondered if Rayne were home. <<
Funny repetition

>> spent their days drinking and watching their kids play on the beach and their nights at the clubs. <<
beach COMMA

>> She would turn twenty this summer, while Rayne was already twenty two. ,,,
Suddenly his two years turned into twenty, and he was too big and too old to play with a baby. <<
I don't get this. If he is 20, she is 18. A 20-year-old guy is too old to play with a 'baby' girl of 18? What am I missing?

>> She sat on the alone as the sun set <<
Typo

>> looked up at him with her tear streaked face <<
tear-streaked

>> The heat of him seared her, it was the first time she had been kissed that way <<
Comma splice

>> Fire enveloped her, shooting through her like a disease. Her skin tingled <<
I'm seeing HER so many times that it is standing out.

>> She closed her eyes as his lips left hers and traced the angle of her jaw <<
I love the way you are taking this scene very slowly and with great detail. That makes it very erotic.

>> tried to drag her into a cesspool of unknown feelings <<
Eewww! CESSPOOL didn't fit here in this soft, tender scene.

>> She watched at Rayne's tongue danced along her skin <<
Typo

>> As she pushed her fear aside <<
Do a word search for AS. I'm seeing it often.

>> through the bikini bottoms. <<
bottoms? (plural?)

>> she had gotten older and began to fill out <<
begun

>> he crept up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. In one swift move she found herself flat on her back on the mattress with Rayne looking down at her. <<
HER is happening MANY times in this chapter. I suggest that you do a word search and eliminate by rewording as many as you can.

>> Nor did she notice when he crept up behind her <<
Minor POV quibble: If she didn't notice, she could not be relating this action. To be pristine about it, you would need for her to discover his nakedness after they embrace.

>> timing her rhythm to offset his just enough to send shivers down his spine. <<
This implies that his shivers are strong enough for her to feel. That's pretty strong. No big deal, I guess. It just felt like a POV violation to me.

>> Jaselyn's heart pounded AS Rayne rolled to the side ...
She held back a moan AS her toes started to tingle ...
She cried out AS a sudden rush of juice escaped ...
She smiled AS Rayne stopped moving <<
I pulled a few of these out to show you the problem with repeated construction. When the same sentence structure appears often, it stands out.

>> She felt him swelling more against her as his finger waded through the wetness <<
Very minor personal opinion: Could he possibly swell any more than he already is? Unlikely, I believe. He's there!

>> She cried his name as another orgasm rocked her body. <<
Another minor personal nit: I didn't really see the first one. Also, this seemed fast and unexpected. It caught me by surprise. It would have seemed more natural to me if she had built up to it first. I didn't see the build-up.

>> The pain was sharp, and sudden <<
I am always timid when I comment on explicit details in a sex scene. I could be way off. But this sudden pain seemed wrong to me, because he just a moment ago had two fingers inside her, and was manipulating them enough to give her an orgasm. The two fingers were essentially painless, but his penis causes a pain so sharp that she cries?

>> But she was still his. Now it was time that he realize it. <<
Oh my! Nice ending hook.

SUMMARY: This was beautiful. I loved the way you made practically the entire chapter one long, slow seduction and sex scene. Excellent choice! I never became bored, because you advanced steadily and kept the interest up all the way.

I did have two small complaints about explicit details of the sex scene. I am shy about that, because I made a real blunder once. I complained about a sex scene, saying that no woman would react the way she (the writer) described it. The reaction felt terribly unnatural to me. But the writer replied that the story was auobiographical! She assured me that it was an accurate description of her actions in the sex scene. Sigh. Ever since then, I've been hesitant about commenting on specific details of sex.

My only real complaints are the minor technical details of your excessive use of HER, and AS constructions. Many of these can be eliminated by small re-wordings.

Great job!

TimM