Erotica Harem

Hi TS. I just enjoyed The Seductress. Here are some comments:

>> Michael, who stood at five foot six, broad shoulders, nice smile, and a Caribbean accent most women adored. <<
Not a sentence

>> She always wore her hair pulled back for one reason or another. <<
This entire beginning has been nothing but omniscient narration. Most readers will be put off by omni narration. I think that I've made this comment about your work many times before, so I'll avoid saying it more. This is a serious problem that you definitely must fix.

>> The type of place that Michael would have loved to visit if he knew about. <<
Not a sentence

>> With no room to dance after a while when the grove was in full effect. <<
Not a sentence. I'll stop nitting this now.

>> sitting in the small court yard looking over the small Japanese type garden <<
Small twice. Also, omit TYPE.

>> while taking a bit into her ham sandwhich <<
bite

>> would be playing that the club she’d recommend <<
recommended. I'll almost totally stop nitting grammar now.

>> What makes this club so special?” He said in all seriousness. <<
It's always best to avoid whenever possible things like 'in all seriousness.' Let the words speak for themselves.

>> Watching Michael walk away was the highlight of her days at times. ...
“Rav, you need to stop.” Michael objected before she could finish <<
How could they still be speaking if he just walked away?

>> He could get the music out of his head. <<
couldn't ?

>> She had never felt such energy from any of her other victims as she had from him. <<
Victims is a nice touch, although the sudden change in POV was a bit jolting.

SUMMARY: Once again, your writing is a combination of great imagination and weak execution. The tale was interesting, with a nice conclusion. However, the tremendous number of grammar errors made reading difficult. Also, your frequent omniscient narration detracted from the reading experience.
I have a bold suggestion. Please forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds as a reviewer. However, it is very frustrating for me to see a person with such imaginative creativity write with so many technical flaws.
My suggestion is that you pull all of your work from the board, and undertake major revision of them, one at a time. I promise that I will help you with grammar issues. Just post any questions, and I'm sure that many people, including myself, will jump in to help.
Also, in your rewrite, try hard to get rid of the omni narration, and replace it with in-the-story immersion via thoughts and dialog. This is a classic case of you needing to show instead of telling.
I very much look forward to seeing what you can do when your technical flaws are fixed. You have a lot of talent in the imagination department. Now all you need is to get the technical details down.

TimM