Aspiring Authors

Hi

The story is getting interesting, especially toward the ending where we see Diamond caught up in a murder. A good way to end the chapter and leave us hanging.

In the end where Diamond is told someone has paid his bail, I was a bit surprised that his first thoughts did not go to Apri, since they were together before the incident. Just a thought.

Your descriptions are strong and establish the setting and plot very well. Just make sure you include sufficent details from Diamond's perspective as he is the narrator of this story, rather than just telling us. I hope that makes sense.

Her tone remains calm as if the name means nothing; for me, the name Sontarus makes my hackles rise and sends a cold shiver down my spine.I know this is his opinion, but still feel that cliche's detract from the story. Maybe look at different ways to say 'shivers down my spine'

[i}Damn Sumo’s, to try This sentence needs to be fixed so it is italic

Cheers
Tania