K'neto's Hotline

Hi guys!!! It's been awhile... let me post a recent review made by yours truly, in compliance to the Port Raid 2005 of the Convention Pirates.

******************************************************

"The Heart of October"  18+: In a graveyard, old nemeses reunite.

Review To: Stik to My Own Beat
Reviewed Anonymously?: No!
Review Time: 07-24-05 @ 10:40am
Reviewer's Rating: 3.5
Review Length: 2,721 Characters
Review Follows:
CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your article has been personally handpicked by K'neto, a pirate from Black Hawks Pride! You could expect a very honest and in-depth feedback for your piece!


This is a pretty interesing read... Nice idea for a story!

These are my comments and suggestions:

This one's ironic. >
Those coal black orbs that are now my inspiration look at me in that familiar, chilling manner.
- She says she is angry at the guy... but goes on saying on the next statement that his eyes are her "inspiration"?

Jared doesn't know how Layla met the dead man... he asked her: "Are you sure? Then how did you know this man?" >
then... >
"On my fortieth birthday. Layla...you said you watched him die."
- What made him say this if he really had no idea that they knew each other?

I like this sentence! Very nice paradox!!! >
I travelled hundreds of miles to pay my last respect to a man who helped revive my career only to face the man who nearly destroyed it.

Misspelled "trepidation" >
I look at Jared with great trepadition but still open the envelope.

"manifested" or delete "become" and restore "manifest" >
Powers become manifest at strange...

"quelling" >
I lean against the tombstone and attempt quell the overwhelming dizziness.

The telepathic conversation between Layla and Joseph was confusing. Perhaps write it in a way where the readers can identify who is speaking.

"cemetery" >
With that, I run past the blood red trees and out of the cemetary, the crisp air of October pushing me along.

I am curious with Layla's relationship with Jared: What made her angry at the guy? You didn't mention it... as I thought I could find answers in the end.

In a nutshell, this is a good story that is worth developing... it has the potential of a good novel, although I understand that it was written in the form of a short story for a strong reason only you might know of. I hope the above point-outs can help in your article. I can sense the talent in you... so...

Keep on writing, and I'll keep on reviewing!

This has been K'neto, now spiralling down on your port.

******************************************************

Visit my domain, and unleash the meerkat in you.
http://lourland.blogspot.com