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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| It's taken a while for it to sink in that I am now a Jew, and that my conversion is finished. I struggle with how to introduce myself and have to think of where I am and who I'm talking to on whether to say my legal name or my Hebrew name. I'm sure there will be a time that this gets easier, but I've seen others struggle with it, so perhaps not. Yesterday I met the Rabbi who sparkles. He was in town and it was nice to meet him. He didn't give a class, but it was still nice to meet him in person. I was finally able to study again with the Rabbi who laughs. I missed it is much. Sometimes I ask one question and it hijacks the entire lesson. I asked about the Schema prayer when it says to "Love the L-rd with all your heart." I have ideas when I think of love and ideas on how to love G-d, but what does it really mean? It turned into a really good Talmud study. I never would have understood it at this level before my conversion because it wouldn't have meant the same thing. Some learning is meant for everyone, and some is only meant for Jews, because it doesn't pertain to everyone. I've heard lectures on this before, but something told me to ask because it would be different. It was definitely on a different level and filled with new meaning. Every time I learn something, it's like G-d is answering my prayer again to know his laws and statutes. I am so thankful because I get to learn, I get to grow, I get a deeper connection with G-d, and with another answered prayer, I get to hear that reassuring voice say, "This is a reminder that I love you." Tonight is Shabbat. After being away one weekend, I am so thankful that I am home in the community. It's going to be a wonderful Shabbat. I can't wait. |
| Being a convert and visiting family isn't impossible, but it is often awkward. They don't understand me. They don't understand why I won't eat their mashed potatoes and baked chicken, but I'll go back to where I'm staying and eat a cheese sandwich instead. It's confusing, and I understand their confusion. I can't explain kosher in a sentence, so I told them that I'm on a special diet with very strict rules. That was language they understood, though I know they still wanted me to eat that brownie along with everyone else. I made cholent for Shabbat, and I brought some challah rolls. I wasn't alone for Shabbat, but it's not the same as being in the community. I've been up there alone for over a year, and I really missed home. I'm so thankful to be here, and thankful that I found my home. It's nice to be home. |
| I haven't had class with the Rabbi who laughs in a few weeks, and I miss it. However, I have been extremely busy with the transition. I spent over an hour again today toiveling dishes. I put on a few Ark Online videos, dunked my dishes, and dried them off. I did a little happy dance when I was done, because I was done with everything that I had (or so I thought). It is a lot of work to toivel an entire kitchen. I don't even have cups, plates, and bowls yet. I'm glad I didn't try to toivel anything before I finished my conversion. It wouldn't have meant the same as it does right now. Things that I have experienced before have new meaning, and it is like I am doing them for the first time. I like having some firsts still, and I'm glad that toiveling is one of them. I am sure there will be a time when toiveling dishes is just a chore, but that is not the case right now. I'm thankful for that. Being in the room alone with my dishes and the dish mikvah and spending time doing something that only has real meaning after the mikvah is uplifting. I had a friend who told me that after she got out of the mikvah, she felt an overwhelming need to do mitzvahs. She said that now that some time has passed, she is back to her normal self. I don't have that mindset. I don't think about doing something because it is a mitzvah, but I do think about doing something because Hashem wants me to do it. Though it sounds like the same thing, it's not. I don't want see how many mitzvahs I can do in a day just to say that I did them, because I know I will get worn out and they will lose their meaning. Some mitzvahs I will do because that is the person that I strive to be, and some I will do because that is what Hashem wants from me. I don't understand fully the significance of raising the status of a pan by putting it in a vat of rain water, but I do it happily (Singing if I knew no one was listening), because I know that Hashem loves me, and I love him. So I will continue to rip toilet paper (still don't get it) and dip a dish (I understand this a bit better than the toilet paper issue), because if nothing else, it is time spent with G-d. That makes any weird thing worth it. |
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