The Anxiety Of Life

Day 22 MHWA Challenge

Write about a childhood memory.

I think this story, though I didn't know it until my adult years, was one of my first experiences with anxiety.

I was one grade below him, 1st grade I think, but in my opinion, as well as a few other people's, he was the cutest guy in the whole school which was from kindergarten to 5th grade. His name was Steven Tempanero. And we lived in Fayetteville, North Carolina. My sister had told me about this guy who liked me and wanted to know if I would be his girlfriend. I hadn't had a boyfriend before then, it wasn't something I thought about at the time, until I saw him. My heart was so happy that this gorgeous guy who could have any girl in the school, wanted me and sought me out. Anyway, I accepted and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. I was in 1st grade and like I said, never had a boyfriend before so I didn't know how to act, let alone treat him, but I guess I was doing an alright job at it.
I remember the day like it was yesterday for the most part. I had invited him over to my house for a 'playdate' of sorts. He did come! I couldn't believe he had, but he did and though both of us were nervous and I was very shy, we went outside to play in our small front yard. My sister and a few other friends had come over to play as well so we had a few people to play games. We decided on hide and seek. I can't remember whose turn it was to seek, but I remember me and Steven went to hide together. We didn't find anywhere that would be hard to find. In fact, we were pretty much out in the open. We hid behind my parents' car. We waited there for what seemed like forever to be found, guessing the seeker was looking in harder places for other people. I decided then that I would try to steal my first kiss. I remember shaking like a leaf as I leaned into him, eyes closed, lips puckered. The next thing I knew, I was face first on the ground. He had moved, just as I had leaned in close enough. He didn't know what I was doing, he was focused on the game, so it wasn't that he was disgusted at the thought of kissing me, but I was so embarrassed... I stood up, not fearing being caught any more, and ran into my house, crying. I couldn't face him after that. I told my parents I didn't want to play any more and asked them to send EVERYONE home. They did, without question. I never did tell them what had happened, I'd hoped no one knew what had happened, including Steven. He had not seen me face first in the dirt, so maybe he didn't know about any of it. My sister had seen it all though and she rubbed that shit in thicker than peanut butter on a sandwich. That whole night it's all I could think about. It was a Saturday, so I still had a day before I had to face him again at school. My mind put me through hell as the possibilities of what he was going to do or say played in my head. By Monday, apparently, it had been forgotten, or it was never realized or whatever the case was, nothing about what I tried to do was ever brought up. I never tried for another kiss though and now when I look back on it, after that I never did try anything of the sort with anyone, ever again.


Shhh. Whisper.....