The Anxiety Of Life

Day 25 MHWA challenge

Write about what a "bad" day means to you

So I pretty much don't tend to have 'bad' days, more so just bad moments in the days, so that I can let go of things a lot easier. But recently I've had a 'bad' week. It started, not knowing then, on Wednesday last week. I worked for my boss, not realizing it was V-day, but still. It wasn't a bad day at all, pretty much just slow and normal. So I didn't think anything about the pain I started having later on that night in my left arm that made my fingers go numb. It was bothersome to say the least, but nothing I was worried about. Everyone else though did start to worry. I explained to them that it was nothing, i was fine, which i was. When fear of my heart started to worry them, i reassured them that this was nothing like when i had my heart attack years ago. A female heart attack is different from a males. I told them I had pain in my back between my shoulder blades when i had had my heart attack before, so not to worry.
Thursday morning came around and i was fine. I called my sister back after noticing i missed a call from her shortly after waking up. (still had not had a full cup of coffee, shame on me for even thinking it was a good idea to talk to any one before i had a full cup) I learned a lot about my sister in the conversation we had that morning. Nothing that over surprised me, but then again it did i guess.
Shortly after getting off the phone with her, i started to get a pain in my back. (you can guess where) I tried to remain calm and took an asprin right away, just in case, but the pain was pretty unbearable. I was still trying to remain calm, trying to keep from throwing myself into a panic attack and it was working for the most part until my boyfriends brother saw me thriving in pain. I was trying to hide it, i really was because i was starting to worry a little and knew he would freak out if he knew what was going on. At first he was okay, but the more i hurt, the more he could see i was hurting and then he started in about calling 911. I told him no, if it got worse i'd go, but give the pain meds i just took some time to kick in. Yea he wasn't having it. The basterd ran all the way out to the garage to get my boyfriend, freaking him out all the way back into the house. He comes in and demands i go get dressed he's taking me to the ER or an ambulance was. Ughhh why can't people just believe me and leave me alone?! So anyway, i get up and head towards the bedroom, feeling little light headed, but not bad. I was just going to go lay down, but the boyfriend followed me. He went in ahead of me and grabbed my shoes. Well guess i was going to the ER instead. Bummer, fuck and all that.
We went to the quick care center first, since the brother knew the doctor and nurses who worked there, figured it would be faster than the ER service anyway. So we get there and i'm greeted by the doctor telling me he'd be more comfortable if i just went straight to the ER. Now i'm in full panick attack because of everyone else freaking out on me and still in a lot of pain. Not as much by the time we got back in the car to head to the ER. I told boyfriend that the pain was subsiding, but it didn't matter to him, yes he was glad the pain was going away, but i was still going to get looked at. Damnit.
We get to the ER which on the outside looked full, so i was pretty mad about possibly spending my only day off at the hospital, when i could be at home relaxing in bed. They actually weren't busy and got me right in. I told them my history and what was going on, mentioning that as of the last month i had been having a number of anxiety attacks. they did an EKG and started me an iv (after a few failed attempts) Fucking hospitals with all student doctors and nurses and shit. I hate that crap. I was a guinee pig for a student. Anyway, boyfriend noticed all the people in the room was making me feel worse and i guess he went and said something because next thing i knew it was just one nurse, one doctor each visit thereafter.
They didn't tell me the results of the EKG but did tell me they wanted to wait on the blood work to come back, ughh. Okay so i hear them in the hallway talking to my boyfriend a little while later about my blood work not being good, ugh, damnit. They came in and told me they wanted to do an MRI on my chest as well as xrays. ok, i'm ready to go home. The nurse comes in and says shes got some meds for me to take, she gets on her little computer and i hear, "hmm, that's not the same drug he prescribed a few minutes ago." I'll be right back with the right ones."
WTF?!
Apparently, instead of any kind of heart meds, he wanted me on something for anxiety. She came back with the meds and put them in the IV and it burned, God did it burn going in! I rubbed my arm all over trying to get the burning to stop, she flushed the iv and it faded, but i still wanted to punch her face in. I felt light headed and warm all over and immediatetly felt so weak and tired. Relaxed? Hell no, the opposite. They came to my room to do the xray, awesome i didn't have to get out of bed! Then right after that they came in to get me for the cat scan. They wheeled me all the way down to the room and then realized my iv wasn't big enough to put the medicine through. I had to have another IV put in. I was taken back to my room, where they came in and did another iv, first try took this time. Then i waited for what seemed like forever, but really wasn't for them to come get me again to try the cat scan, again.
Anyway, as i was leaving from getting the exam, the doctor was on the phone with them wanting to see the results of the exam. apparently they sent them straight to him because by the time i made it back to my room, the doctor was right behind me. He said the scan was fine, they found nothing wrong and that he wanted me to start anxiety meds, but he also wanted me to see a cardiologist within 3-5 days. And that was it. I was discharged, just like that.
He prescribed me the same meds they gave me in the IV, but a lower dose.
I told boyfriend i wasn't going to get them filled, there was no point. I don't have insurance and they only gave me a 10 count prescription, that i had to take 3 times a day. I wasn't getting to a doctor before i ran out even if i did fill them, plus i didn't like how i felt after getting the meds in the IV.
needless to say, it was filled anyway. It took till monday for the drugs that they gave me in the IV to fully wear off. It changed me and i didn't like it. Everytime i wanted to talk, i felt like crying, no matter what the conversation was about, so all weekend long i was quiet. I also had a brief suicide thought while driving to work, but of course didn't act on it.
On tuesday, i was off from work but still had to go for a manditory payday meeting and then from there i went shopping. By the time i checked out at the store, my chest hurt pretty bad and i had a major head ache. I headed home, forgeting somethings as i was just in too much pain, and my daughter was with me so i was a little scared of what might happen on the way, i just wanted to get her home. safe.
I told boyfriend and brother what was wrong and they immediately wanted me to take a pill. Nope, not gonna do it. Not going to go back to feeling like i did on thirsday and all weekend. And i didn't. The pain eventually went away.
So yesterday, i went out again, to get the things i hadn't gotten because of the pain the previous day. I was fine all day so i took a nap, got up and decided i'd go finish the shopping. My oldest son went with me, just so i wouldn't forget anything. And sure enough by the time we got everything we went for, i strated having chest pains and a head ache all over again. I went home and told them how i was feeling even though apparently it was all over my face that i was in pain, and they begged me to take a pill. I succumbed, damnit... I took one and no it didn't help, whick i knew it wouldn't, but has hurt more than helped. I've fought off the depression state all day today along with being shaky and light headed, but i'm also comming down with a cold.
So that is a bad day for me. I'm sure i've forgotten some details in this but whatever. its not that important. I'm under the influence of nyquil now and heading to bed, work in the morn.

Shhh. Whisper.....