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Halloween

I thought I had seen everything in my life journey until I went to a Halloween party with the intellectually disabled. I was in my own mask far away from what was familiar and safe. In a manner of speaking we were all dressed to kill although I say this with a melancholy twist.
You see what I saw was way too close to home. So much of my life I have been treated like I was in some way retarded. It started in third grade. I will never forget. My dad of all people asked is there any one in your class summer than you. I doubt that was what he said exactly, but this is what the seven year old heard at the time. What hurt even more was I felt the hurt just as badly in relation to the teacher and I still do. Again it was of the ilk. What's the matter with you Gary, are you retarded? Again I know she would have never said it that way. I recall very well how she treated Paul Comerford. He was the class brain and I was making her look bad. My adult self says this could not be true. The childhood perception was a product of the family I grew up in.
It still hurts. I was tested to see if I was mentally retarded. Thank God that was not true. From there on I ambled around trying to prove to myself and others I was not mentally retarded. I became very introspective. I was very careful not to ever put myself in that position again.
Fast forward to the present. I am 61 years old. So much has happened since then. I have traveled to places near and far, have kids and grandchildren, have bee married twice and graduated three times. Nothing ever felt as good as those graduations. Mom and dad are dead and I am equally Far away from my children and my extended family in a place where I honestly do not know anybody I can call a friend.
Yesterday I was at a Halloween party but the most haunting part of that experience was that I found myself looking in the mirror realizing that could be me and maybe in some ways it is still me. When will I ever learn?
I hope that I do not exude too much self pity. At the age of twenty one, mom told me that she was pregnant before she got married. And she had this unmistakable hurt in her eyes. I could see a tear. You see I was contemplating suicide. I could not stop thinking about killing myself and this went on for three or four torturous months. I am guessing mom thought she would do something that would redeem the situation. But Gary you were loved! How absurd was that! I look back and wonder if am crazy. She and we're married soon after and I was born. How many women have I known and ministered to since then? It was a liberating moment because I realized I had been treated in a negative way. I was nit the favorite child. I was the reason Mom and dad married and seldom had I known to get along. So I asked myself "am I an accident?"
I read quite a bit before I accepted the fact I would work with this population. The same kind of questions were being asked of them and other disabled parents. Given the choice would they wish the person they brought into the world away. Was he or she an accident that could have been prevented? I was amazed to read that so many parents would not have it any other way.
So this is the thing. Can I really love these people as I want to know that love for myself, no longer retarded, no longer an accident or crazy to believe all I have written above could be true. I have become so much older. I can feel my body ache as I lift and manage the person I take care of if only for a time. And yes I am glad for three days I have spent it has been healing. I have cried quite a few tears and laughed to see that God has a sense of humor. How long will it last? l guess until my body says stop or somebody finally gets it through my brain it is time to stop. Until then I am at the Halloween party wondering I can love the person I so feared to become. Halloween: trick or treat.