Midnite Journey

bruised, beaten,... broken

I have never been one to understand how women can stay in an abusive relationship... until recently. He wasn't abusive or mean or jealous or anything like that till we had a child together, then things changed, he changed. He became angry a lot, not always though. He had his great sides. Loving, caring, compassionate, passionate, and put me before himself almost all the time. But when he got angry, HE GOT ANGRY! He became someone else, a monster who had no control over anything he said or did. I tried to be forgiving, but a person can only take so much...


I wasn't perfect, I know this. He told me a million times what was wrong with me, what I did to upset him and for the most part, he was right. I did do him wrong. I didn't listen when all he wanted to do was talk. I didn't support his decisions concerning my kids and punishments. I left him here to deal with 6 kids knowing he probably couldn't handle it. But no matter how wrong I was, there was always other options rather than physically and or mentally abusing me to get his point across.





The first time he hit me, I let it go, believing he'd never do it again. I told myself it wasn't that serious but I knew better. A leopard never changes their spots. I died a little inside that day. I became less loving and caring for him, but i still stayed, hoping things would change.





The second time didn't hurt. I didn't let it. Otherwise I would have become a person who didn't care, who didn't love. I just became a little numb.





This last time, was it. I became that uncaring, unloving person he was accusing me of being. Even though i told him i deserved what he was doing, i knew I didn't. I said it to calm him to keep him from hitting me more. To keep him from choking the life right out of me which was his intention. He is sitting in jail as I type this because i didn't deserve to be abused. I refused to let him turn me into something i'm not and never want to be. I could feel it happening and I had to put a stop to it. Do I love him? Yes, I will always love him, We spent 3 years together with plenty more good times than bad. And we suffered through the bad together. I will always love him for that. I will always love him for giving me 2 beautiful kids too.


I can even forgive him again. But i can't be with him any more. I cant risk the chance the next time, and there would have been a next time, he wouldn't actually kill me. My kids come first and I must remain alive for them, if nothing else. I have 5 boys and they don't need to see a man beating on a woman. They'd become the same as him, I can't allow that. I have a daughter who should never see a man put his hands on her mother or any other female. I won't allow it any more.





I understand why some women stay. There are many different reasons, mostly fear of one thing or another. But, are they not living in fear anyway? Waiting till they say or do something to upset him. Or for him to have a bad day at work or elsewhere. If you're going to be in fear, you might as well take the fear of the later rather than the abuse. Next time might be to late...





Do I feel bad? yes, and no. I feel safe for the moment, but I'm also sad because I know he will never come back around to see his kids grow up. What do I tell them? I don't know, but i will figure it out. One day at a time, one question at a time. One step at a time. We are going to be alright.





I do pray and hope he will finally see how much he needs help and i will always be there for him to lean on as he was for me when I was down and out, but I can no longer live with him. I have to stop caring about him, stop loving him in a way that 2 people who care so much for each other does. I can not and will not allow him back into my home, my heart or my kids lives. That part of us is done and over, for good.


So my advise to other victims of abuse, fear not knowing what you'll do without him/her rather than fear when the next blow will come. You'll live longer, I promise!