Shellyville Continues

Long Drive

Hello my sunny pals,

I went for a long drive this morning to clear my head. I should still be driving! I am in a strange mood and it has everything to do with my son.

I wish I could be the parent I know I am.
I wish I could reach his anger before it boils.
I wish I could control my own.

I am in a state of shock over my own behavior. I know I am not helping. Even Savanna said I was "egging" him on. I know it. I know that my immature anger is not helping but I am so frustrated. I am worn out. I am scared. I don't want a child like my brother. I don't want to deal with it.

I have no choice but to deal with this head on but to be honest I hate it. I am great with other people's kids...not my own.

In many ways feeling like a failure just adds oil to the flame. It's not helping me accomplish what I need to accomplish. I am not a failure. I am not some kid that has "anger" issues. I am not going to get hurt and I believe my son is a good kid. I am just re-living some kind of nightmare that I can't get out of at the moment.

I feel like my past is coming back to haunt me. Like I have forgotten every skill I used to defend the evil spirits. I am giving in. I am becoming weak. I never thought I could ever let my guard down. I don't like being in this place and I don't really have a direction or plan on how to get out of it. That is SO not like me!!

This is not who I have become and I have to find my strength! I do believe in myself!

Love,
Michelle