Recoveries... a KnightWATCH story

Chapter 4

         “And just how am I supposed to do that?” Melinda stood up and started pacing around the living room. “Do I just forget a man whom I dated for four years? A man who became a very central part of my life? Who made sure I didn’t quit nursing school? The man who... who...” Melinda began crying. ”The man who was killed the night he proposed to me! How the Hell do I forget that!”

         “You don’t,” Stephanie replied, walking over and wrapping Melinda in a gentle hug. ”You don’t forget someone that special. Please, come sit down.” Stephanie guided Melinda back to the couch, then sat beside her. ”You don’t forget, but you also can’t let the memories imprison you. Tell me, when was the last time you let someone get emotionally close to you? No, wait, when was the last time you went out on a date?”

         “Well, uh... I flirt with a lot of the ambulance crews, and some of the male nurses.”

         “Yes, and anytime one of them asks you out, you shoot them down in a New York Minute. Mel, you won’t let a guy get close to you at all. What is it you’re afraid of?” Just then, Dr. Swanson’s pager went off.

         ”Steph, that’s the ICU. Can I use your phone?”

         ”Sure, Doc, there’s one just inside the kitchen door. Help yourself.” She turned back to Melinda. ”Now, Mel, what is it you’re afraid of? Caring? Getting close? Getting hurt?”

         ”Getting close... getting hurt... getting left behind... all of that. And it’s coupled with a feeling... well... a feeling that damn few of those guys are really right for me anyway.”

         ”How so?”

         ”How many of them, the ambulance crews especially, are just flashes in the pan when it comes to romance? Most of them seem damn shallow, all talk and no action. With a few exceptions, the only really honest ones are the guys who are already married!”

         ”Oh, ho! Not measuring up on the romance meter. Well, where do they come in on the friendship scale? Have you given any of them chance to become friends? Or is that part of your shell?”

         ”Well, most of them are acquaintances. I don’t think I’d really call them friends.”

         ”How many of them have had the chance to become friends?”

         ”Touché.”

         ”And what about the guy who came through Trauma One today? What do… No, you tell me what you know about him.”

         ”Well, I’ve seen him a few times before. And yes, he’s kind of cute. But he’s barely talked to me or anyone else. Shoot, he talks even less than the shallow pan flashes. Until today, I never had an inkling he was even interested in me. Are you gonna say you already knew this?”

         ”No, it was news to me, too. But that’s beside the point. Maybe he hasn’t talked because he’s shy, or maybe he doesn’t want to appear shallow. The only way to find out... is to find out.”

         “Sure, find out.” Melinda started pacing around the coffee table again. “I just walk into ICU and start asking him questions. He’s in intensive care, for criminy’s sake, because of a major car wreck. He may never get a chance to tell me anything --”

         “He’ll get his chance,” chimed in Dr. Swanson. ”That was Hannah Rothschild in ICU. David, the EMT in question, is awake and alert. But you better move quick, Melinda. There’s a lady paramedic keeping a close eye on him.” The doc’s voice took on a singsong lilt. “She may just beat you to him!!” Melinda unsuccessfully tried to hide an embarrassed blush. “Anyway, this doctor has a regular shift in the morning and needs her sleep. You two have a good evening. I’ll see myself out.” Stephanie and Melinda said their good-byes as the doctor left for home. Stephanie then put her hand on Melinda’s shoulder.

         “Okay, Melinda. It’s you, me, good food, good beer, and maybe an old-fashioned pillow fight. After all, this is a slumber party. We might eventually get some sleep!!” Melinda started to giggle and picked up her beer bottle, only to find it empty. Before she could say anything, Stephanie opened a new one and handed it to Melinda.

         “This is good beer, but I’ve never heard of it before. How do you pronounce this name? ‘Sing-Tay-Oh’?”

         “It’s pronounced ‘Ching-Dow’, Mel. It’s the best German beer made in China, or at least that’s what Mike calls it. What that means, I don’t have a bloody clue. All I know for certain is that it tastes good, and goes pretty well with homemade stir fry. So drink up and enjoy. Now, what’s the name of your apartment building?”

         “It’s the Kensington Commons complex, Steph. You’ve been there before.”

         “Are you sure it isn’t ‘Heartbreak Hotel’?”

         “Verrry funny, Steph. What are you, my second mom all of a sudden?”

         ”No, just a friend tired of seeing you alone in a self-created prison. Do you plan to spend the rest of your life mourning Jeremy? Or are you going to move on? Would Jeremy want you to be alone? And what would Jeremy do if the situation were reversed?”

         “What prison, Steph? I work in a job that takes a lot of time and energy. The rest of my time, when I’m not in continuing education classes, I need to be resting. As for Jeremy? Well... he was always real active socially. I imagine after a while, he’d be out dating again. It’s not like we talked about it. Hell… we never had the chance.”

         “Mel, what exactly happened to him?”

         “He was on his way home from dinner… the dinner where he proposed to me. We were at the Chez Matilla Bistro.” For some time, Melinda had been curled up on the couch, her knees tucked to her chin, her arms around her legs. Recalling that last dinner, she began to unwind from her human cocoon. “Jeremy got us a table right by the waterfall. He had pre-ordered steak and pasta for both of us. The strolling violins kept going by, so I was thinking something was going to happen somewhere nearby.

         “Then dessert came.” By this point, Melinda was sitting on the edge of the couch, a smile on her face. “It was a huge hot fudge sundae. You’ve seen the ones they serve there, haven’t you?”

         “If ever there was a definition of Chocolate Death...”

         “That’s the one, Steph. But instead of the usual large cherry, he arranged so mine was topped with the engagement ring. I actually took several bites before I noticed it was there! As soon as I did, Jeremy was down on one knee beside me, and three strolling violins came over. Of course, I said yes. And then, the violins started playing... oh, I never remember the name of that song, the one you always hear as the bride and groom walk down the aisle after the ceremony. Anyway, the violins start playing, the Maitre D’ brings out a bottle of champagne -- on the house, no less -- and people around us clapping and congratulating us. And then...”

         By this point in the story, Melinda was sitting forward, on the edge of the couch. There was excitement in her voice, her eyes filled with joy. Then her voice dropped, her head began to droop and she curled back into her cocoon.

         “And then, we left for the night. We had a long, deep goodnight kiss outside the restaurant’s front door. He was driving to San Antonio the next morning to visit his aunt for a week. What I didn’t know was it would be my last glimpse of him alive.”

         “Mel, we rarely know when the last visit, the last kiss, will take place. It’s part of life we have to accept. Do you know what happened to him after he left the restaurant?”

         “Actually, yes. I attended part of the trial of the man who shot him. I had to go; I had to see the bastard that turned my life upside down.”

         “Mel,” Stephanie said, reaching out and touching Melinda’s hand, ”What happened after Jeremy left the restaurant?”

         “He was leaving the next morning, so he stopped to get gas and road snacks. He walked in on an armed robbery. According to the counterman, the robber was nervous to begin with. When Jeremy walked in, the bastard panicked and shot him. Then the guy was even more greedy than nervous, and wasn’t going to leave without the money.”

         “How did they catch him?”

         “The counterman had hit a silent alarm. Because the robber was so EXTREMELY greedy, the cops got there just as he tried to leave. As he ran out of the shop, the robber took a shot at the first police officer there. The cop shot back, knocking him down. They got ambulances in for both the robber and Jeremy. Both were taken to St. Vincent’s ER. The robber survived. Jeremy never made it out of the ER. His sister came to my apartment the next morning to give me the news, and my life hasn’t been the same since.”

         “How so?”

         “It’s been empty, lonesome, with only my work and a few close friends to fill the voids.”

         “Why are those voids so empty, Mel? Has no one truly come along to fill them? Or have you not allowed anyone close enough to have a chance?”

         “What do you --”

         “You know damn good and well what I mean.” Stephanie put her beer down and turned to face Melinda head on, as though preparing to deliver a massive blow. ”Melinda Bradley, I’ve seen you joke around with EMS crews when they bring in a patient. But as soon as one of them warms up to you, or even expresses an interest, you back away. You’ve spurned date offers left and right, including some from some very cute guys.”

         “Sure, some cute guys have asked me out. But cute isn’t enough. I have absolutely no desire to spend an evening talking about ambulances, problem patients, and inept dispatchers. So far I haven’t seen one who could go beyond that. Besides, you’re married. What are you doing noticing cute guys who aren’t your husband? Well?”

         “At least you smile when you say that. That’s good. As for Mike and I, our marriage is more than strong enough for me to realize, no matter how much I might look, I’ve already found my knight in shining armor. Or, in his case, an M-3 Bradley armored personnel carrier. Great disguise for a landscape contractor, isn’t it? Besides, some of those guys ARE damn cute! I’m not blind, kiddo. But apparently you choose to be, or at least keep those emerald green eyes shut to the good things right around you. Open them, Melinda. Or better yet, take a good look through Kathy Rhee’s.”

         “Kathy Rhee? You mean Kathy up in Neonatal ICU?”

         “Yeah, that’s her. Take a look through her eyes. After all, she’s dating a paramedic. I think his name is Greg Gunderson. They seem pretty happy, and they’ve been dating for over seven months, now.”

         “You know,” Melinda said, leaning back, “I’ve heard a few stories about Kathy Rhee. Kind of strange stories. Like she’s into bondage sex and other weirdness. And I’ve met Gunderson in the ER. He’s always struck me as rather odd to say the least.”

         “So? What does it matter if the stories are true or not? They both do their jobs well, they’re happy with each other, and if they like playing with ropes and such, then so be it. Besides, have either of us tried it? If not, how do we know if it’s good or bad? Shoot, for all we know, either of us might find it interesting… even fun!”

         “Hold on, I’m not some sex pervert!”

         “Chill, Mel, I never said you were. And for all we know, neither are Kathy and Greg. Besides, perversion, kinkiness, all of that stuff is in the eye of the beholder. But we’re talking about you, not them. And what I’m trying to tell you is be willing to look for happiness in new areas. Realize that every person has something unique to share and contribute. Know that, behind the badge, uniform, scrubs, whatever they wear, is usually a diverse person who may have interests that you or I never dreamed of.

         “Please understand me, Mel. Unless you let the void from Jeremy’s death be filled, you’ll never see any of those hidden treasures out there. And the world will never learn about Melinda Bradley... NCAA fencing champion from Kansas University... jazz saxophone addict... and cookie-baker extraordinaire.”

         “How...” Melinda suddenly let loose a big yawn. ”How did you learn all of this about me? And why am I so sleepy?”

         “One, you’ve brought your torturously delicious cookies into the ER on several occasions. Two, I’ve seen your fencing trophies and CD collection. As for your yawning, my young friend, you’re barely 125 pounds, you’ve had five strong beers, and it’s after 11:00 p.m. on a day that’s been super-long. You’re also worn out emotionally. If you were more alert, I’d pound some of this into your head with a good, old-fashioned pillow fight. Instead, I’m guiding you to pillows and blankets upstairs. Danielle’s room is ready and waiting for you. Come on now.” Stephanie stood up and helped Melinda to her feet. “We both need sleep, you could probably use a good cry, and you need some time alone to face all of this. Let’s get you upstairs.”

         “Steph, you know something?” Melinda’s speech was slurred from all the beer she had drunk. “I’m gonna pay you back for this. I’ve never been this drunk before. Never wanted to be, even before Jeremy died, but less so afterwards.”

         “Why, Mel? What were you afraid of?”

         “The night after Jeremy’s funeral, I poured every drop of liquor I had down the drain. I was afraid I’d be another Jenny Kirkpatrick, and crawl into a bottle. Why’d you do this to me?”

         “Because you need to face your pain, Mel.” Stephanie walked her up the stairs and into the bedroom. ”You’ve made your mourning of Jeremy a wall to hide behind. It’s time that wall came down.” Holding Melinda steady with her right arm, Stephanie used her hand left to pull down the covers on the bed. As she laid Melinda down, she saw a thin necklace around Melinda’s neck. Stephanie removed it for safety’s sake -- and found the gold chain looped through Melinda’s engagement ring from Jeremy.

         “Steph,” Melinda yawned, “why are you doing this to me?” Melinda then began crying. “Why are you hurting me this way? What do you have against me?”

         “Not a thing, Kiddo.” Steph put her left hand on Melinda’s shoulder and gently rocked her, as though Melinda were a small child. “I’m doing this because I care about you. I hate seeing you hiding from life. Jeremy’s dead, honey. You don’t need to die with him.”

         “Screw you, you bitch.”

         “Yes, honey, I know you hate me now. I can deal with that.” A smile came to Stephanie’s face as Melinda finally faded off to sleep. “That’s because I know your heart. As much as you hide from love, you care too much to be alone. And you have too much love in you to be able to harbor hate. You just need that first crack in the shell you’ve built.” Stephanie pulled the covers up to Melinda’s shoulders and left the room, turning out the lights. In her own room, Stephanie pulled out a diary and pen.

         “17 April. Damn late. Melinda got shocked in the ER today. Found out she had a secret admirer. The admiring EMT admitted it to her as he lay on the table in Trauma One. After seeing that, I invited her over for a slumber party and tried to get her to face the past. Hopefully she’ll let Jeremy go soon. Because I honestly think something better entered her life when that EMT was rolled off the helipad elevator. I’ve talked with him before, and talked to others about him. He’s a really good person, and may be just the person Melinda needs and wants (though she tries to deny that want). Now the big question -- will she recognize the opportunity?”