Finding Me in the Mess

I Forgot I was a Badass

Over the years life has taken a toll on me. I know for many times have been tough and its hard to have hope when everything feels like it's falling apart. The last few years more like seven years have been particularly hard. I have had to push myself physically and mentally more than I have ever in my life. And that's coming from someone who childhood was described by a therapist as psychologically damaging. In all that I started to forget who I was and my view of myself shifted into seeing myself as someone who is not capable.

Excuse me? This is who I think of myself now. A timid, procrastinating, self doubting, stay at home mom who has accomplishes nothing. When people ask what I do I actually sarcastically, I'm a stay at home mom so I don't do anything. This being very not true because I'm not just a parent but a care taker for some of my kids. This is step beyond parenting and if you haven't experienced both it can be hard to explain the difference.

Back to main topic. When I was younger I had a lot of self doubts. I never saw myself particularly talented in any one area. I have a few areas where I release my creative energy like writing, painting, drawing, cooking, and crafting but I didn't see myself as being great it. I wouldn't say I was awful, but I had a bad habit of comparing myself to others. As I got older I actually started to see that I as capable of more than I have given myself credit for. I had a confidence in myself and it was actually nice to not feel like I was a complete failure. Then life threw me a quite a few curve balls. The worst part is I let another person dim my light. They constantly made small quips and shamed for my choices. It has hard to take because it was so much and when I got to my lowest they were there to make it worse. My mental health suffered and I got lost in just trying to survive.

If you've been in survival mode you'll know its needed but being in that state for long periods of time is not healthy. After being in this state for a few years I am finally coming out on the other side. One way I feel that things are getting is the fact I am nourishing my urge to create. It was nice at first, but then I became more worried about making things perfect instead of just doing. I think relaxing and making something I love is worth more than being worried about what others people think. I know this isn't ground breaking and even Dr. Seuss says it best with the quote, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind". It easy to feel like you are letting everyone down and noting is going right especially when you have someone in your life who puts you down.

At this point in my life I get things are a little stressful, but I'm also giving myself some grace. It may take a while but I'm going to get to a good place. In some ways I'm already there. The other issue is having someone around who doesn't uplift me and unfortunately isn't going anywhere. Here I am trying to uplift myself while it feels like I have someone who is sabotaging all my work.

Then I remembered the most important thing of all. I am a bad ass. I haven't spent 45 years on the planet after dealing with a toxic childhood, to my tumultuous twenties, and actually pretty hectic thirties to allow one person make me feel like I am less. They can talk all the shit they want because I know who I am. It's weird because my blog is about two things. My love to be creative and reminding myself not to be my worst critic and not allowing someone to make you feel smaller.

Because as I tell myself that I am enough and what I do is worthy simply because it is. Hopefully today you can tell yourself you are enough and to remember how much of a bad ass you are.