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This journal is fiction. The voice you’re reading is a character, not the author. |
031626. This journal is fiction. The voice you’re reading is a character, not the author. Monday Evening - where do I see myself in 10 -20 years I had my appointment with Dr. Cole after work today. There was a lot to talk about. I told him about Sunday. About Paul picking me up, about stopping at his office before brunch, and about the conversation we had there. I explained how he already knew the details of my past because of the legal work I had asked him to help with. Saying that part out loud still made my face feel warm, just like it had yesterday. But I also told him how carefully Paul handled it. How he made sure I understood that none of it was my fault. How he said my past did not change the way he sees me. I even told Dr. Cole about the moment when I kissed Paul. That part made me laugh a little when I said it. I admitted that the kiss happened before I even had time to overthink it. It was spontaneous, something I would not have believed possible not very long ago. We also talked about the other small things that have been happening lately. The shopping trip. Getting my hair done. Talking with Paul on the phone several nights a week. The way those conversations have started to feel like a normal part of my life. I told him that trusting Paul has come more easily than I expected. Then Dr. Cole asked me a question that caught me completely off guard. Out of nowhere he said, “Are you in love with Paul?” I actually stumbled over my answer. My first reaction was to laugh nervously because the question felt too big. Too sudden. After a moment I managed to say the only honest answer I had. “I don’t know.” Dr. Cole didn’t push for more than that. Instead he smiled a little and said he had some “homework” for me. He said it jokingly, but I could tell he meant it. He asked me to imagine what my future might look like. Not just next week or next month, but ten years from now. Twenty years from now. At first that sounded like a simple exercise. But on the drive home I realized something that surprised me. I don’t do that. I rarely let myself imagine the future at all. I make plans for work, appointments, daily routines, but when it comes to the bigger picture of life, I seem to stop short of looking too far ahead. It is as if my mind quietly avoids those questions. Why? That is the question I found myself asking on the drive home tonight. Why don’t I think about the future? Maybe for a long time the future felt uncertain, or even frightening. Maybe focusing on getting through each day was easier than imagining a life years from now. But now Dr. Cole wants me to try. Ten years. Twenty years. What does my life look like then? Tonight I realize that might be the most difficult question he has asked me yet. |
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