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 Review #4841770 |
 | Bitten - Intro  [ASR] Short intro to a (hopefully) larger fantasy story. Also a test for how edit works.  |
| (4.0)| A WdC SuperPowers Review Hi Abel Jack . I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Bitten - Intro" . After seeing (and responding) your post in "Noticing Newbies" , I decided to check out your first posted story. Here is my opinion.I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. First, this sounds like a story I would like to know more about. You've piqued my interest. You've introduced several characters, but not an inordinate number of them that would be hard to manage. Your writing style is fairly easy to read, which is obviously a plus. But don't get too cute with word-play. For example, you wrote: Near the man, a small box, with a few golden coins inside. As written, this is just a sentence fragment. It's a hiccup reading it; it's not seamless. You placed one small dash right after the first paragraph. I understand you're indicating a change in focus of your story. But just one dash makes it look like an inadvertent keystroke. Perhaps use * * * centered on the line. When describing the professor's desk initially, you list the items on it. Then in the next paragraph, you add some more items--the files. That makes it seem like an afterthought. Perhaps it was the use of the phrase "empty space." You finally mention the name Govelli. I'm assuming that is the Professor's name. Again, it seemed like an afterthought mentioning it right then. Perhaps a better time to talk about the professor in detail is when he goes "into his thoughts." Add a short paragraph to explain why Professor Govelli might be a 'tough' professor. I loved your last statement. It was unexpected and capped your effort off perfectly. May I also suggest that you use the Brief Description to entice a reader to read your item? It should tease a potential reader with a statement about the storyline. It should not be a plea or defense of your writing. I guess the title and brief description are pet peeves of mine. They are the window through which that potential reader looks to decide whether to read your story or not. Hook him in!  Technical and Editorial Considerations. In this section I normally list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. A couple misspellings: Preperatory Should be Preparatory. And it should be capitalized. people who cane to the Academy Should be came. Another oddly worded sentence. These three students, he'd have to hunt down on campus tomorrow. Perhaps: He'd have to hunt these three students down on campus tomorrow. My Rating. 4.0. This is a very good beginning. I think you have a lot of potential with this above average start. Thank you for sharing this offering. Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/30/2025 @ 4:41pm EDT