I liked the premise for this piece. It's a great idea for a horror short story and I think you did a good job setting it up.

There was a lot going on in the story. Which isn't necessarily bad in and of itself, but based on the length of the piece and the rapidity with which new elements were introduced, it was a little hard to follow along with. I'd suggest refining the narrative a bit to ensure that the new developments are explained and expanded upon before jumping to the next one.

Overall, this was an entertaining read and has a lot of potential. Nice work!