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 Review #4824961 |
Airplanes  [13+] Two grounded teens exchange paper planes and fall in love, without ever seeing each other.  |
| (4.0)| Hello, dropping by with a review as requested on 'Please Review'. These thoughts are all my own and meant to help; take what you find useful and ignore anything you don't! Initial/Overall thoughts I clicked on this story because I liked the premise in your introduction - it works well! I really like the tone of this piece from the beginning. Both characters' POVs read as authentically frustrated teens talking to themselves - I'll pop in a disclaimer that this is from the viewpoint of me as a 31-year old (British) woman, but I definitely remember saying/writing things like "Shut up brain" and trying to "[make] sure I sounded as normal as possible" when I was a teenager… What I liked: A lot of the language made me smile - Riley getting annoyed at his hair and thinking "Maybe I can try grounding it", when he goes to the store and comments "My hoodie and sunglasses are like armor. Just way lamer", and also how Jamie says that he "return[s] the cart--because I'm not a total menace to society--" You convey well that they're both a bit goofy and it works because I can really see them getting along as their relationship develops! Even with these similarities, the characters are still distinguishable from each other - Jamie came across as a bit more sarcastic and sceptical to me, while Jamie seems like more of an optimist, even with his not-so-great home life. Things I "bumped" on: I had a clue from the genres you put on this piece that both characters were the same gender, and I was enjoying following how you built up to revealing that they're both male. However, it was still a little confusing - I think this could easily be fixed by tightening up some of the formatting issues (mentioned below). The parents are a bit stereotypical at the moment - Riley's Mom drives an SUV, has a fancy purse and bleached blonde hair, and doesn't listen to her son, just wanting to send her kid off to his Dad's so that she can spend the weekend with her boyfriend. Meanwhile, Jamie's dad is a classic deadbeat, only sitting around watching sports and drinking beer (although the reference to him previously being "an amazing father" worked well as a way to interest the reader in finding out why he's not one anymore.) Teenagers are not known for picking up on subtleties, but it would be great to see these secondary characters given more depth if this is developed into a longer piece. Technical: The formatting needs a little bit of work - some of the headers which distinguish Jamie and Riley's sections are aligned to the left, some are in the centre, and some are bolded while others aren't. Personally, I think they work best when they're centre-aligned and in bold. Similarly, the first of Riley's notes is in bold but the others aren't - again, keeping all the written notes in bold would help distinguish them from the rest of the text. Overall, this was a really nice beginning to a teen romance story which could do with a bit of finessing and development of the characters. You have a clear voice and tone, and I'd really like to see more from this story - I was disappointed when it stopped at the end of the item, and I hope you'll Keep writing the rest of it! Affiliated with:
 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/31/2025 @ 3:16am EDT