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 Review #4823323 |
 | DOTD Chapter 15  [18+] A burial for Edwin. A witch hunt unfolds.  |
| Hi Aubreywrites Here are my thoughts on "DOTD Chapter 15 " . As always, I focused on plot development, character development, stylistics points and general thoughts. First Thoughts: I LOVE this chapter. Lucien and Fluer's interaction is funny and cute, I agree that you could work on Lucien a little bit to make sure he doesn't feel too Rune-esk. But it is the Duke that really steels the show. We know he is vile, but he really steps in to the antagonist's shoes in this chapter. Plot Development:  Blood - The duke knows about her blood, and it seems he always had his suspicions. He wasn't overly surprised at all. This is a huge plot development. What does he know? What does he suspect? What's he going to do now? Power - There was also a swell of power from Fluer, but not enough to save her from her father. It's bubbling under the surface. It was active when she was angry but didn't come out when she was scared this time, whereas it did with the Skinwalker - what is driving it? She clearly can't control it at the moment - so has to be an autonomic/sympathetic response. What is triggering it? I thought maybe adrenaline, but then I would have thought she'd have had that during this scene too - cortisol dampened it maybe? I think you need to define the scenes where it does rear its head, so that we understand clearly why it doesn't here. New power - I love the new power - it's unusual and quirky and fits really well. How did she connect with Edwin? How did the message get to him/how did he know it was for him? Can she do this with other dead people? Is it because he had a violent death and isn't "at rest"? Dreams - Lucien didn't seem to question her having prophetic dreams. Can anyone have them? Why isn't he more dismissive of it. He seems to take her lie as a truth VERY easily. Almost too easily. Even with the possibility of it being 'planted'. If there is one area that I think needs more developed it's this bit. I know you mentioned potentially having it so Lucien doesn't agree to go with her to find Mother Veil, and he follows her instead, you could play about with this bit more to fit that narrative. Fluer / Lucien - their relationship to developing. It needs to be grounded outside the romantic relationship as much as it is by the romantic feels, subtly bubbling along, so make sure you are adding the layers to show the developing trust and respect between the two of them. Characters Development: Fluer - Poor Fluer. I love her sassiness with Lucien. I do get whiplash sometimes with her confidence and then shyness. She was embarrassed he saw her in the bath, but now she happily walks out of the river. Maybe in her internal monologue show more of the battle with her confidence. I like the difference with her confidence with the duke; it's almost like she reverts to being a child - I know it is a well-established hatred, but would she appeal to his fatherly nature in a desperate attempt to stop the torture, even if she knows it's not going to work - she is desperate and frightened. Cold she slip and call him Father? Lucien - his interaction with Rune seems to have affect him greatly and he's morphing into him lol. It wasn't that bad... I can see where you are coming from. There were some very Rune traits. You could up the stoicness, make the embarrassment less obvious, get him to focus on the mission and her training in the conversation. He a serious hunter, I would imagine he'd want to control the situation/conversation as much as possible. Show he is affected by her, but subtly. Tense shoulder, pink tint of ears, having to clear his throat. Show him fighting for the control. The Duke - He's a great villain; I'll give him that. Up until now I was unsure who the antagonist of the story really was. Now he's stepped out in all his evil glory... It might be something you address in the earlier chapters during a re-write just to bring this out a little more, earlier - so it's clear that he's the main bad guy from the start. I say this because I originally though that it was the murderer - but as the story has progressed it feel that the murderer is a secondary figure, who will become the antagonist in the second book - I may be wrong... please correct me if that's the case. I'm very aware that I'm reading this by piecemeal, as you write it, so it could be that when I read it all together, this would already be obvious. Also, I never really get WHY he hate her so much... Is it because of the death of her mother? Is it because he suspects her? It would be good to understand this a bit more and this chapter seems like a good opportunity to flesh it out a bit more. Villains are better when we understand them, when there is some kind of twisted logic. Others: Tall, dark and "Darling" - He chooses NOW to be silent.... maybe this is what 'calls' him to the ball? Side note I have used this naming convention in my own story... I have a 'Tall, Blonde, and Ever Do Slightly Possessive' James - This is all his fault... damn golden retriever! Eleanor - MIA Rune - probably still sulking... Aurelia - probably stirring her cauldron and fixing her broom... Does she know the depth of her father's villainy? Edwin -  Pearl - Stylistic Points: You mention the river being hard to find in both the narrative and in Fluer's dialogue. This feels repetitive - you can change up the word slightly, so they are in the same vein but not so similar. Could be that Fluer just asks how he managed to find her way out here. Could lead to comical interaction about her being presumptuous that it was her he was looking for. You use the words 'vile' and 'sick' a few times with the duke (understandable because he is very detestable). However, again we want to limit repetitiveness, so try using different terms This is a very long chapter, you might be able to split this into two. The Study scene is so pivotal that it needs its own stage. It feels like this is the start of the climax. The study scene is well written. It builds tension for the reader. I think you could potentially increase the drama more if you look at some of the sentence lengths, the longer winding ones are great when you are describing a scene, but they can sap the energy and drama also. General Thoughts/Questions: Rivers tend to be fast flowing, especially if they are deep enough to submerge oneself in - would a lake suit this better, or an Ox bend? Why would she hide the knife under the rug? Would the knife really be hidden well under a rug? I would think you'd see a lump...? Why would the duke store the knife in the safe? It's not easily accessible - is there something special about the knife? Why does he keep it hidden away? Love the rich description of the study. The study scene probably one of my favourites in the book because of the tone and texture you have added here. It felt very atmospheric. Is she going to have permanent scars? Are they going to be visible in the dress? Will she wear them proudly, or be ashamed? Could they be used to get the duke's comeuppance and fall from grace? Maybe at the ball? Why would he soundproof the study? it seems odd. Also, it would be way scarier if it wasn't and the staff were just that terrified of the guy that they wouldn't intervene... It would make him even more of a monster, because he knows he can get away with it. Wrap Up: I love this chapter and cannot wait to see what how she gets out of this (if she does) and what happens next!!! Let me know if there's anything you'd like chat through. Remember this is only my opinion; take what you need and ignore everything else. Happy writing  ,Seffi  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 07/01/2025 @ 10:59pm EDT