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 Review #3789522 |
 | Man of the Cloth...another chapter  [E] Another chapter, looking for feedback  |
| (3.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Title: Man of the Cloth...another chapter Author: Kbennett Type: Chapter  First Impressions: This chapter introduces a new path for the story and intensifies the possible plot. It also possibly sets up the antagonists, though we aren’t sure whether which side the antagonist is. We know they are wary of Father Kelly, and at the same time, if he fits their plan, have need of his influence. I have a feeling Father Kelly knows all this and will do his best to appear obliging. While it remains and interesting story, it shows the sign of being written in a hurry. It lacks polish and there are grammatical and typographical issues that a proof-reading would have likely caught. Using spellcheck would be a recommended feature too, especially if you have a program like MS Word to use.  Suggestions: He slowly stands up and walks to the alter “altar.” He walks past the alter to the wooden door on the left, goes through the long hallway. Takes a right down the stairs to the basement. “Again, “altar.” I’d also avoid using the same word n proximity of one another. And I’d rework those to sentences into one, like: He walks past the alter to the wooden door on the left, goes through the long hallway and takes a right down the stairs to the basement. Carlos speaking softy again “softly.” "Understood." The other two men agree simultaniuosly. “simultaneously.” "I've been working with him for six months on church matters and I think it's time and we can trust him," Mr Wallace makes his case. Maybe: ...and I think it’s enough time that we can trust him.? "Well, when us he going to be ready? “is.” Mr Wallace angerly pleads his case. Do you mean, “angrily”? "Out intelligence guy dropped the ball," Mr Wallace says looking directly at Richard. “Our” Sometimes it’s just best to say, “said” or, “says.” Ending every conversation with an explanation of what they were doing can really become annoying after a while. There are your recent endings: “angerly pleads his case,” “Richard nods towards Carlos seeking approval,” “Carlos says talking with his hands.” It just becomes too predictable and repetitive. The reader doesn’t need to see everything that is going on during a conversation. "Yes he did, and he will be takin care of for his costly mistake," Richard states right back at Mr. Wallace. Do you mean, “taking care”? Don’t be afraid to just say, “said or says.” Continually changing a dialogue tag just gives the story a really awkward feel. It also comes off as author intrusion, in my opinion. Carlos says standing in front if the table buttoning his suit jacket. “of the table.” Our fathers as well as we have worked to hard, sheed to much blood “too hard” and “shed too much blood.” There is another “to/too” a few lines later.  Final Thoughts: The first chapter was more intriguing, but the second is likely to lead to a far more interesting scenario. This was just the introduction to that scenario, and it takes a while to build a good storyline. I did find the dialogue tags a little annoying. Keeping the story in present tense isn’t helping. It just seems a little cumbersome. I’d like to see simpler dialogue tags. The more you do one thing the same way, the more repetitive it gets, so variety is the key, and continually using the same style of tag becomes annoying. The biggest problem however is simply all the errors in this story. I assume you wrote it quickly, and in an interest to get feedback didn’t bother to give it even a spell check. It is too bad because it is a good story deserving of better treatment. 
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You responded to this review 11/24/2012 @ 9:20pm EST