WDC Frontliners Novel Review forum

Opening: Great hook! The reader will want to know who Dixim is and why this mob is apparently chasing him.

Characters: Dixim's character comes through very strong even though the reader is not sure, in the beginning, exactly what he is or what he has done. It's apparent, though, that he has the ability to wreak havoc! I'd like to hear more description about Dixim, just to get a mental image of him early on, but I also feel as though there may be a reason you haven't included more in the beginning of your novel, so it's really just a suggestion.

Scene: I like the way you showed Dixim's hatred of the "cities and towns of Plorsea". You showed the scene very well and brought it to life.

I liked the contrast of the part of the city where the old man and Dixim emerged after the fight with Gabriel in the alley. You portrayed it very vividly. The fact that the people there "took steps to magically protect" their interests raises the curiosity of the reader.

Sentence structure/tense/etc.: I did notice a few places where you used passive voice such as, "At that his anger had exploded out of control". I think this is a great opportunity to show how it exploded, rather than to just say that it happened. Or you could simply remove the word "had" to make the sentence come alive more. The only reason I mention it is because I do it quite a bit in my writing, too, and people have commented on it, so I thought I'd mention it.

Here's another thing that I do a lot that I got a comment on the other day. It's about gerunds. I guess I didn't realize it was bad until I got this comment (I include it here because I saw some in your Chapter 1, too). This comes from one of my instructors in the Writer's Workshop at the New Horizons Writing Academy here on WDC. The example is from a piece he reviewed for me:
"
I'll just point out one little bugaboo of mine: the use of gerunds in the past tense. Far too many writers do this, and far too often. It is weak, indirect, slow (too many commas), and often confusing in regards to modifiers.

Example: "Shaking off the feeling, I ran to the bus, leaping up the steps to safety."

Alternative: "I shook off the feeling, ran to the bus and leapt up the steps to safety."

I'll violate a rule here to make a point. Beginning a sentence with a gerund is a very bad habit."
I noticed some of these, so I thought I'd give you the direct comment, as I believe he explained it better than I could.

Overall Impression: You create some excellent pictures with your words! The piece is very well written and pulls the reader along, making them always want to know more! The ending of this chapter is awesome! I really "need" to know what happens to Dixim, who he really is, and what will happen to him.

Overall, I think this is an excellent story! As far as the sentence structuring and whatnot, I've only included my opinions and things I have been told by other reviewers in my pieces. It doesn't mean I am right or anything, but I thought maybe it would be useful to include. This is really some great writing!
Write on!










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