Erotica Harem

Title: Diary of Daniella Rolfe
Chapter:12
Author: DusktilDawn
Plot:
Aiden has to go talk to the driver of Daniella to find out more information. The interactions between these two characters was very well done. Also, Daniella struggling with telling Aiden what she is; this part well done as well. The detail in her emotions in writing, allowed the reader to really experience what she was going through.

Setting:
Daniella’s apartment was detailed and clear. When Aiden went to meet Daniella’s driver, the setting was not as clear , but the interactions between the characters and detail of them allowed the reader to visualize the rest.

Characterization:
Daniella-
I loved how she was portrayed in this chapter. A strong individual, but realizing even she has vulnerabilities and things she wishes she could do. Yet she still questions herself over these. Her description in this chapter was amazing with detail and I loved learning more about her.

Aiden-
We see him showing more of a wanting nature towards Danielle and when it comes to his job, how through he is. In this chapter he is a well formed character, where detail shows a little more aspect of his wanting to find out about the murders.

Grammar:
The craving would dissipate in a few hours, just like a hangover, but she despised the gnawing want for the coppery liquid, like an alcoholic craves a little hair of the dog that bit him, so to speak.
Here you may wish put in a semi-colon instead of a comma after hangover
She wrapped her arms around herself, hugging her body to try to keep Aiden within her, to meld with his essence.
Here you may wish to put a semi-colon after herself instead of a comma
Polite and convivial, he kid looked more like a poster boy for Buns of Steel, a popular gay magazine for men.
Here did you mean the kid looked more like a poster boy…?
Pulling out a pen and his notepad. Aiden turned to a clean page.
Here you may wish to have a comma after notepad

Just My Personal Opinion:
A wonderful catch at the end of this chapter. When reading it I could feel the anxiety of Daniella; making me want to jump right into the next chapter.


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